the funkiest of funks

There was a time when I looked forward to the weekends. I used to count down the days until Friday night was here because that meant Ace would be home for two days and we would have his undivided attention. The boys and I would have him all to ourselves and things are always more fun when Ace is around. Not to mention that it's a lot easier being a mom to two crazy little boys when their dad is around to help and to be a support.

Well, it seems those days are gone. It seems like every weekend all I can think of is that we're one week closer to Ace leaving us for months at a time. I seem to go into a depression every Saturday and Sunday wondering if this is the last time we're going to do a particular activity as a family before he leaves. No matter what I'm doing I always have the thoughts floating in the back of my head that, "Ace is leaving soon. We're running out of family time. How am I going to explain this to the boys?" I feel a bit like Eeyore to be honest. These thoughts are always present and pretty consuming, just like Eeyore's little black rain cloud that follows him around. It seems like I can't fully enjoy any activity we're doing because I always have thoughts like these lurking in the back of my mind.

And then the guilt starts. "I should be enjoying every day that we have until he leaves. I shouldn't be upset. This isn't how I want Ace's last few weeks to be, with me upset or always on the brink of tears, never knowing what's going to set me off." I'm an expert at guilt, really. I can make myself feel guilty about anything. It's not something I'm particularly proud of but it is something I'm constantly trying to work on. I need to stop worrying and enjoy the moment. It's gotten to the point where I'm not even looking forward to our baby girl's arrival because that just means we're one milestone closer to Ace leaving. Christmas? It should be exciting, but it's not long after that and Ace will be gone.

It's not like Ace is going to be gone forever, but we honestly don't know if we'll even be able to see each other until August or September. We don't know if he'll have time off in between basic training and his job training or if he will have some weekends off during his job training and we can reunite as a family for a few days. Want to know a secret? I am not made to be a single mom. I rely on and need my husband. When I've had a rough day and the boys are driving me crazy I need Ace to walk in the door, take over the chaos, and calm me down. He's very good at that. I rely on Ace to be my emotional, spiritual, and sometimes physical support. The things that upset me just roll off his shoulders and he's able to calm me down and help me realize that maybe it's not such a big deal. He is my partner and my best friend and I can't imagine how lonely it's going to be without him. He knows me inside and out. He's seen me at my best and at my worst and, amazingly, he loves me anyway.

I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. I just hope the worst I'm imagining isn't even close to how bad things are going to be. This is a temporary situation and it's going to get us closer to reaching the goals that we have for our family. It's just going to be a long, temporary situation. I'm hoping that while Ace is gone the boys realize that maybe I'm not as incompetent as they think and that I may even be a little bit fun. Of course no one compares to Ace, but maybe, hopefully I can come in a (relatively) close second. And maybe we'll actually be able to enjoy some of our time together even if Ace isn't around.