ramblings of a flustered mom

It's an incredibly humbling task to call your parents and tell them you don't have enough money to buy Christmas for your children. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time. It's hard to ask for money in normal circumstances (at least for me it is. some people may not have a problem with it) but especially now when I want to provide a Christmas for my children. I don't need or even want it to be huge. But when it's hard to even provide a simple Christmas for my children it makes it that much more difficult to get into the Christmas spirit.

I admit it. I have been (and continue to be) a Scrooge this year. I have no desire to decorate for Christmas. Our tree isn't up yet. The earliest it can be up will be this weekend some time but that's even pushing it. You see, Ace has p.t. in the morning. We only have one car. That means that Ace has to take the bus. In order to make it to the bus stop and on base in time he has to wake up at 4:00 a.m. Yep. You read that right. They've also instigated a new rule that if your G.P.A. isn't high enough you have to attend mandatory study hall from 6:30-8:30 every night. Well, Chinese is a very difficult language. And while Ace is doing really well and working his butt off studying, his G.P.A. still isn't as high as the army (or he) would like it to be. Because of this Ace rides the bus home every day, either takes a short nap or wrestles with the boys and cuddles with his baby girl, then takes the car and heads back to school. He gets home just before 9:00 and either does some more studying or goes straight up to bed.

I'm not going to lie. It's a lonely life. As much, if not more, for Ace than for me. He's away from his family all day long. I'm with our crazy children all day long. I can't set up our Christmas tree by myself and at the end of the day neither one of us has the energy to do it. After the kids are in bed I still have to make lunches for Ace and Mac, clean up the dinner and any other resulting mess that has spilled over into the rest of the kitchen, put toys away, and take a shower before crawling into bed and praying no one wakes up sick, with nightmares, or with teething pain so I can get some uninterrupted sleep before starting everything again tomorrow.

Add to my busy daily life the fact that I have no Christmas spirit this year (shocking considering I typically start listening to Christmas music right around August) and our house makes us look like a bunch of atheists. I'm really not excited about having a 60* Christmas. I want cold. And snow. I like seasons. I like curling up in comfy sweaters and being warm inside while it's freezing outside. It just doesn't seem like Christmas to me.

And the money thing. It's not like our situation is unique to us. Every other E3 in the army is making the same amount of money we are. If they're an E1 or E2 they're making less money than us. There are so many people who are having a hard time financially. I know we're not the only ones. But it's hard when I hear about different people having a hard time with their budget. We don't have a budget. There's nothing to budget. I know people who have a hard time paying their bills but they have a monthly allowance for clothes or entertainment. We don't have anything left over.

I have wanted a new camera for months. One of those nice DSLR cameras that have all the settings so you can take real pictures. I used to love photography. It's something I want to explore, learn about, and maybe even one day become good at. But the main reason I want a camera is to take better pictures of my children and to better capture our memories. When the boys were babies and while they still had huge, toothless grins I took black and white pictures of them for a project I still have yet to complete (but that's beside the point. the project will happen eventually). When I went to take Poppie's pictures the same way I had done her brothers' my camera wouldn't work the way I needed it to. I couldn't zoom in and focus how I wanted to. Now I'm about five months and four teeth and 100 pictures too late. It kills me that she doesn't have the same pictures of her that I have of both her brothers.

We were able to get some money saved. But the renters in our house in Utah had been dealing with our fridge that decided to have issues. And I had to register our van. And I still have doctor's bills coming in from this Summer. There's just always something.

But despite our lack of funds I am so blessed. I have a house.  Poppie has finally decided to start eating. My family is healthy. And if we weren't healthy we have health care that would cover all of our expenses. My husband is not currently deployed and there's no question if he will be home for Christmas. My husband has a job. And he is amazing and works incredibly long, hard hours in order to support my family and eventually (hopefully) use this knowledge he's gaining to help spread the Gospel.

And I have three beautiful children. There are plenty of times when they drive me crazy. Mac doesn't always (read "usually") like to listen. Romeo is a great listener until his brother comes home from school and then he shadows his big brother. They are the best of friends and the absolute worst of enemies. When they are getting along they say and do the cutest, sweetest, funniest things. When they fight I think our house will explode. Poppie is extremely clingy right now. I'm all for cuddling but she just wants to be held and put down on a whim. Her whim. As often as she pleases.

For all the headaches and heartaches they are great. Mac is becoming such a sensitive and compassionate child. He will often see when I'm struggling and stop what he's doing to run and help distract one of his siblings or go play with them in order for me to do something else.

Romeo loves to play and be read to and will almost always give loves upon request.

Poppie is so sweet and still cuddles close to me at night so she can fall asleep in my arms. She is so smiley and happy.

blessed

It seems like there's finally a light at the end of this tunnel. I get to see Ace in less than three weeks. I can't believe we've made it this far. It certainly hasn't been easy but we're pushing through.

During this whole process we have been so blessed. I know there are people out there that don't believe in miracles or God or prayer but I do. And if I didn't before I certainly would have to now. It seems like help has always come at the exact time when I was ready to lose it. Here are just some of the miracles we've experienced.

*Poppie has slept amazingly well. Before Ace left I was up with her two or three (or four. . .) times a night. Almost immediately after Ace left Poppie started sleeping so much better. She usually goes to bed between 10-11 and on a bad day will wake up around 4:30 before sleeping again until 7 or 8. My boys never did that. She's even slept through the night a few times.

*I am someone who needs sleep. I can't function if I don't get enough sleep. Somehow I always wake up refreshed in the morning. This never happens. On the days that I do need a nap I am always able to stay awake and do everything I need to until I have time to sleep.

*When I have had to take all three kids to the store with me I haven't lost anyone. This is a HUGE accomplishment. I am almost always chasing after someone in the store. Mac has been listening so much better (even if only when in a store) and will stay where I can see him at all times. He almost always is holding on to the shopping cart and he hasn't tried to run away and hide from me.

*Mac and Romeo have slept in. Again, this never happens. They are up at 7:00 every morning, no exceptions. Right after Ace left they started sleeping in. Most days it was about 8:00. Some days it was as late as 9:00 or 9:30.

*I am someone who likes to rock her babies to sleep. I did it with my boys. I do it with Poppie. Since they don't have the ability to self-soothe until they are 6 months old it's special time I get to spend with them. With that being said, sometimes Poppie would take a while to calm down and go to sleep. On the days when I am completely exhausted and can't function any more Poppie chooses to fall asleep on her own. The next day we're back to me holding her.

*The boys have had absolutely no jealousy of Poppie. There haven't been fights for my attention (there have been plenty of fights, but not to get my attention). They don't act out when I'm feeding Poppie and I can't give them my undivided attention.

*Along with not having jealousy, my boys LOVE their sister. I was honestly terrified about how they would be with her. Mac and Romeo are the best of friends and worst of enemies. Most of the time it's the latter. Mac is anything but gentle with his brother. He has at times picked Romeo up around the waist just to turn around and drop him to the floor. Last night I had to take away all the bibs except for the two that are the exact same size and color so they would stop chasing each other around the house trying to get the one bib that the other one picked out first. It is not uncommon for Mac to ask Romeo, "Hey, do you want to play with this ninja," and when Romeo answers in the affirmative he's told, "Too bad, you can't. It's mine!" None of this has happened with their sister. They both adore Poppie. There are times when I'm trying to take care of Poppie and I can't because her big brothers are too busy smothering her with loves. They constantly are patting her on the head, kissing her, and calling her "Cutie Guhrul."

*I have experienced so much peace and contentment. I hate living apart from my husband but I am okay. I haven't always been happy but I have been content.

*I have grown so much closer to my family. There is a ten year age difference between one of my sisters and myself. Because of this we have never been close. We don't have issues with each other but we've always been in different stages of our lives. I feel as though we've gotten closer through all of this. She calls to check in with me and see how I'm doing. She asks what news I've heard from Ace. She tries to get together with me when her own children aren't sick. When we have been able to get together she's quick to ask if I want her to watch my children so I can run some errands on my own. When she found out I got a phone call from Ace she called me up to tell me how excited she was for me. I have talked to her more in the last seven weeks than at any other time. It's the same way with the rest of my family. I talk more to my siblings and my parents.

*Someone has always shown up at the exact moment when I've needed it. Our neighbors and friends from church have been great. I have two young women who are coming over once a week to watch my children for free. I went to a Relief Society activity and was exhausted from Poppie screaming at me. I walked in and someone jumped up and grabbed Poppie from me to give me a break. When Poppie and Romeo both fell asleep in Sacrament Meeting one day a friend grabbed Poppie from me and took her to class so I could hold Romeo until he woke up and was ready to go to his class. Someone from church just happened to double her recipe for dinner (everything. main course, jello, bread) and didn't know why. She was trying to think of someone to share it with and called me up to see if I was interested. Just as big a miracle, my boys actually ate it.

*I made it to my parents' house and back with all three children. That's a three hour drive each way. By myself.

*I am a recovering perfectionist. If I can't do something perfectly then I don't want to do it at all. I have tried so hard over the last year or more to give up this crippling habit. It has caused me to be down on myself and beat myself up over the simplest things. With Ace being gone, and with him my biggest support and best friend, things have become manageable. Things aren't easy, but I'm able to do what I need to do and to let the rest go. I don't stress about not doing things exactly how I want, exactly when I want. Things get done how and when they get done and I'm okay with that. I never would have been okay with that before.

*I was able to make travel arrangements to go see Ace for his graduation. We miraculously had a larger paycheck that month and I can afford to go. Our paycheck hasn't been that big since I bought and paid for my plane tickets, rental car, and hotel.

*I think the biggest miracle is that we've just plain made it this far.

what's going on

It's been a rough week. Sunday was spent waiting with my phone in hand to hear from Ace. He never called. I don't know if his platoon got in trouble and lost the privilege or what happened. If someone messed up I hope they beat the tar out of him or her so it doesn't happen again. I know Ace didn't cause the problem. He definitely has his opinions but he knows to keep his mouth shut and do what he's told in basic training. I know he's not the one who is causing the privileges to be revoked. Hopefully this never happens again.

Being separated from my husband is difficult enough. Add to the equation that I struggle with depression and everything gets a whole lot more complicated, especially when I don't get to hear from him that one short time during the week. I really felt like I was doing okay. Actually, I was probably doing better than okay. I was handling Mac and Romeo pretty well. We had our setbacks but for the most part I was handling things. Sunday I just fell apart. Sunday night Poppie refused to sleep. She just couldn't settle down so we didn't get to bed until after midnight.

Monday I woke up and went through the motions. We made it till my sister-in-law came and picked Mac up to take him to school. It's usually not too difficult to do, but for some reason Poppie refused to be put down. If she was asleep and I set her down she would promptly wake up and start screaming. She didn't start whimpering. She went from asleep and relaxed to screaming almost immediately. If I put her down to help one of the boys with something, Poppie would scream. I had to hold her all day.

When the boys were finally down for the night I tried to feed Poppie and get her settled down. No such luck. She usually starts to eat about 9:00. She refused. I tried to feed her and she screamed. I rocked her back to sleep and tried a little later. She refused. She screamed. She'll usually eat for 15-20 minutes total. She maybe at a total of five minutes after trying several different times to feed her. I tried giving her some medicine to help with a tummy ache. She continued to scream if I tried to feed her. I knew she was hungry, but she refused to eat. She was dry. She wouldn't burp no matter how long I tried so I don't know that that was the problem.

Poppie doesn't like to sleep in her crib for whatever reason. We have her sleeping in her bouncy chair in our room. For some reason she'll sleep if she's more upright. After trying multiple times to put her in her bouncy chair after she fell asleep I finally gave up and went to sleep while holding her. I eventually was able to put her in the bed right next to me and she slept on her tummy. It was after midnight before I could finally turn off the lights and go to sleep.

I had been really hard on the boys yesterday because I was so exhausted. I hated taking my frustrations out on them so we had a talk this morning at breakfast. When you don't get enough sleep you're grumpy. Mommy was really grumpy yesterday and she's sorry. She didn't get much sleep last night either. Mommy doesn't want to be grumpy so she needs you to be good helpers and to be obedient so we can all have a good day. That worked for a little while. A very little while.

I was exhausted but again I was not permitted to put Poppie down. I tried the crib. I tried her bouncy seat. I tried her swing. I tried the couch. No luck. I could barely keep my eyes open this morning. I finally told the boys to go play upstairs in their rooms while I tried to sleep on the couch with Poppie. I was constantly woken up by fighting and tattling. At one point I woke up to the boys sword fighting in the kitchen with the broom.

I finally gave up at 11:30 and gave them lunch so I could get them in their rooms for quiet time. Mac refused to sleep. Again. He wasn't remotely quiet either. Romeo slept for maybe 30 minutes. Poppie refused to be put down and I was tired of holding her. This all meant that I couldn't get a nap, either. I called my mom crying and talked to her while Poppie screamed in my room and the boys told me repeatedly that she was crying.

I finally called a friend who came and picked Poppie up for a little while so I could sleep. I plopped Romeo down in front of a movie and told Mac to play games on the computer. I told them I needed to sleep and I needed them to be so good and not fight. It worked this time.

As soon as Poppie came back we started all over again. She had pretty much refused to eat all day. She fell asleep and when I tried to put her down she woke up and screamed. At this point the boys decided they had been good long enough.

Eventually at dinner time I called my sister to see if she could come down. I just needed her to hold Poppie so I could focus on the boys and get them to bed without listening to Poppie wailing in the background. That just frustrates me that much more and then I have even less patience with the boys. She tried to find a babysitter but I was able to have a neighbor come hold Poppie so I could turn my attention to the boys. With the boys down Poppie still refused to eat or be put down.

My sister mentioned that colic starts around 6 weeks. Ronnie is 6 1/2 weeks old. But I was really upset Sunday night and that is when this all started. I did start to feel better yesterday because I got a letter from Ace and was able to write back to him finally. I felt like my mood really picked up after I read his letter, but Poppie still refused to eat or be put down. Monday night I even tried to feed her some formula in case I had eaten something that she didn't like. Nothing helped. I don't know if Poppie is feeding off of my stress and emotions. Is that possible since I did start to feel better yesterday and Poppie only got worse? She wouldn't eat from a bottle either.

I honestly have no idea what's going on. I love holding my babies, but Poppie isn't my only child. I wish I could sit and hold her all day long but it's not possible. I have two other children who need and deserve my attention. If Poppie is responding to stress then we're kind of at an impasse because she's stressing me out. If this is colic I'm screwed. It kills me to listen to her scream but I don't have the physical or emotional ability to hold Poppie all day long. I'm just praying this was our last day like this.

6:36

I am vastly opposed to taking my cell phone to church. Sure it would keep them more quiet but I don't let my boys play games on it. I hate it when Ace checks scores in between meetings. I don't even like to read my scriptures on my phone and choose rather to take my actual scriptures with me even though they are bigger and heavier. But I made an exception on Sunday.

I was supposed to hear from Ace. I not only took my cell phone to church but I had it either sitting next to me or on my lap the entire time. I did think to put my phone on vibrate, thank goodness, but I was still distracted by it. I kept checking to see if I had a missed call. How do you miss a call when you are practically sitting on top of your phone? When I had to take Romeo out because he was being too noisy, I took my phone with me. When I had to escort Mac to the bathroom, I took my phone with me.

We made it through Sacrament meeting without a phone call. I dropped the boys off at their classes and went to mine. Again, I was glued to my phone. My friends knew I was supposed to be hearing from Ace so they would ask if I had talked to him yet. I would tell them that I hadn't and point to my phone so they knew why I was sprinting for the door if my phone should start buzzing.

Relief Society started and still no phone call. I sat in my seat rather impatiently and strained to hear the slightest sound coming from my phone. No luck. Finally about half way through our lesson my phone started vibrating. I grabbed it and bolted. I was confused why the number was a 435 area code since Ace said he would be using a calling card but I didn't care too much. I was going to talk to Ace.

Wrong. Out in the hall I answered my phone and was startled to hear a feminine voice. The girl on the other end of the line called as a favor to Ace. For some reason he wasn't able to call but she was able to talk to her fiance who had reported to boot camp with Ace. She passed along the message that we would not be hearing from Ace on Sunday as we originally thought but that on Tuesday processing would be over and he would officially begin boot camp and be able to call me. I wondered why her fiance was able to talk to her and I wasn't able to talk to Ace. Doesn't husband and father of three children trump fiance? Oh well. There wasn't anything I could do about it.

I promptly started crying. I was devastated that I couldn't talk to my husband. The last time I had heard his voice was Monday. I have never gone that long without talking to Ace. I never want to go that long again. I had even called Ace's cell phone one day during the week, knowing it would be off, to hear his voice mail message. Unfortunately for me it's a new cell phone and Ace didn't record a message before turning in his phone. I'm sure it wasn't a major concern of his (especially since he hates receiving voice mails) so I was disappointed but not surprised to be greeted by an automated voice telling me that Ace wasn't available.

I trudged along Monday and made it through the day. I could hardly wait to go to sleep that night because the sooner I went to sleep the sooner it would be Tuesday and I would get to talk to Ace. I went everywhere with my phone on Tuesday. If I left it in a room for even a few seconds I would run to go pick it up and have it by my side. I have never been so attached to a cell phone before. I had no idea when he was planning on calling and I wasn't going to miss it.

My phone rang during the morning and I hurried to answer it. It was my doctor's office confirming my appointment. Who cares? A few hours went by and my phone finally rang again. I answered as promptly as I could and it was an insurance adjuster calling about getting my windshield fixed. Really? Now? Not exactly who I wanted to be talking to.

I really didn't know if Ace would call. What if he just thought he would be able to call but he really couldn't? He wouldn't tell me he could call unless he had been informed of that himself, would he? Could he have been promised he would get a phone call and then have that rescinded? I had started to lose hope that he would be calling. As desperately as I wanted to talk to Ace and hear his voice I wanted him to know that we were okay, things were getting better, and we were being taken care of.

After staying in all day and waiting by my phone (Do you know that you can't will a phone to ring? If it was possible I would have done it.) we finally decided to get out of the house and run some errands. As I was getting my shoes my phone rang. I couldn't help myself and I got excited thinking and hoping it was Ace. Finally!

I have never been so excited to get a phone call. Ace casually greeted me as if he was just calling to tell me what time he'd be home for dinner. He told me that everything was going well and that he was fine. He sounded surprisingly upbeat. I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised. That's Ace.

He told me that he finally made it to basic and that he was fine. He has two LDS members in his platoon. I was grateful to hear that. It's always nice to be around people with your same standards, especially in what I can only imagine is such a harsh and at times degrading environment.

Ace has been able to read almost all of 1 Nephi. While standing in line this last week they were allowed to read either spiritual or military material. Ace chose to read his Book of Mormon and always has it in his pocket with him.

Now that Ace is officially at basic he can write me a letter with his address. I'm so relieved! As hard as it has been for me to be without my husband, he has been without any of his family. Yes, my boys drive me crazy sometimes. Yes, they're hard to deal with. But they are sweet and loving and it's a great comfort to be with my children now. So now we can finally send him some letters and packages and let him know just how much we're thinking of him. I don't know how much time Ace will have for letter writing but I plan on spoiling him with mail.

The phone call only lasted 6 minutes, 36 seconds. I wish it could have been so much longer. While we were talking I heard someone yell in the background and hoped that wasn't the end of the conversation but it was.

As I walked down the stairs to my boys Romeo asked me why I was crying. I told him that I had just talked to Daddy and that I missed him. He asked, "You okay?" and I could honestly say that I was. 6:36. It was such a short time but it was so refreshing. I felt so supported from just hearing Ace's voice and being able to tell him that I loved him and to hear him say those same words to me. After the phone call I felt so much happier. This is still going to be extremely hard and demanding on me and my little family but we can make it through this.

Four more days and I get to talk to Ace again. Looks like I'll be taking my cell phone to church for a while.

our new reality

My boys had been doing so well. Yesterday Mac's aunt came to pick him up again for preschool. He knew she was coming. He knew he was riding to preschool with his cousin. He had his shoes on so he'd be ready when she came to pick him up. When she knocked on the door I happened to be feeding Poppie. I told Mac to have a good day at school and to have fun. I heard him unlock the door and his aunt say that they didn't want to be late. I told him again to have fun at school and my sister-in-law told me Mac was hiding behind the rocking chair. I heard her trying to coax him out and he just kept repeating that he wanted me to take him to school. He hadn't said anything like that until my sister-in-law showed up. I wasn't in any position to take him and we would have been late if I had tried to get everyone in the car.

Mac was prepared for school. He knew the driving arrangements. It just killed me to see him so upset that I wasn't taking him, especially when he had known that I wasn't going to take him. I think he's finally starting to realize that Daddy is gone and he's going to be gone for a while. His world has been turned upside down and he's trying to cling to the only parent he has left, even if it is me. As hard as it is on me to go through this I just ache watching my boys experience the loss of their father. I understand that Ace will be gone for a while. I know we will eventually be together as a family again. I know that this is so hard on our family and that it sucks but that this is what we are supposed to be doing for our family and that we will be in a much better position when it's all over. All the boys know is that Daddy is gone. Daddy has been gone for a few days now. We haven't talked to Daddy while he's been gone. They don't know when they will see their Daddy again. They don't understand that sometimes you have to do hard things in order to get blessings in the future.

As much as I miss Ace and I miss having my partner and best friend, my boys are missing their Daddy. I hate seeing them so sad and, at times, distraught. I hate listening to them sob and cry at night for their Daddy. I hate seeing my formerly very independent Mac be afraid to leave me. As hard as it was when he really didn't want anything to do with me, I'd almost prefer that at this point. It would mean he wasn't hurting. It would mean his world hadn't been torn apart. It would mean that everything was normal in his world.

Unfortunately for me I finally got a minute to put our clean laundry away. Do you know how depressing it is to hang up Ace's clean shirts when I know full well that they're not going to be touched for weeks, most likely months? There's a good chance that the next time Ace's shirts are taken off the hangers it will be because I'm packing them up so we can be reunited while Ace goes to school. Before he left Ace told me that I could pack up all his clothes in his dresser and in the closet. That's not happening. There's no way I could walk into my closet and not see his clothes hanging there. I hate that we're apart but seeing his clothes makes it seem like it's not permanent, maybe even that it's not real and this is all some sort of cruel prank. I know that sounds crazy. I know that I'll see him again, but packing up all his stuff just seems too final.

I'm doing better, but there are still things that get to me. It's usually the little things like putting away laundry. I'm always surprised by what it is that upsets me and how seemingly insignificant it is. That's the good news. The bad news is reality is starting to hit the boys. They're not doing better. I think it's just sinking in for them. They're hurting so much right now and I don't know how to explain this to them and I can't kiss this hurt away.

progress

Last night I slept without wearing Ace's sweatshirt. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but it was a huge step for me. I still slept clinging to our picture and I put his sweatshirt next to me so I could reach out and grab it if I needed some extra comfort and be reminded of Ace sleeping next to me. But I didn't wear it to bed. And today I got dressed. I wore real clothes. From my side of the closet. I was planning on putting makeup on, but by the time I got back upstairs it wasn't really worth it anymore. But I thought about it. It seems like such little things to be celebrating but I am. They're big deals to me. I still miss Ace like crazy, but things are getting better. I'm able to cope more. I feel better equipped to take care of my children by myself. It may not seem like a big deal but it is a huge leap for me. I never thought my own baby steps towards growth would feel like such a monumental leap.

day 1

We made it through our first day. If I'm being completely honest it was utterly and totally horrible. I don't know how many times I broke down sobbing throughout the day. I cried every time we had a blessing on the food. I cried when I helped the boys say their prayers at bedtime. I cried when I said my prayers. I cried whenever I thought about Ace (which was pretty much all day). I cried when Ace texted me or called me from the airport. When I was getting ready for bed I saw my reflection in the mirror. I looked awful. I don't know that my eyes have ever been so puffy and swollen from crying.

But we made it through our first day. It's going to be a long journey but we survived our first day. Diapers were changed. Boys went potty. Everyone got dressed. Everyone ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Teeth got brushed. Mac was ready for preschool when his aunt came to pick him up. We got naps. All four of us. At the same time.

Our house didn't fall down. I didn't put makeup on but, really, what's the point when you're just going to cry it all off? We were able to run to the store while Mac was at preschool. The playroom was tidied up. We played games. We did a little reading.

I may have stayed in Ace's sweatshirt all day long (go Bears!). I may have slept in his sweatshirt again last night. I may have slept clinging to our picture trying to glean whatever comfort I could from it. But we made it. I've been saying that we may not thrive but we will survive. . . and we did.

and so it begins

Yesterday was a rough day to say the least. After church Ace spent his time packing and making sure he had everything he needed for boot camp which isn't really much but he has a wife who stresses and made him check his list and then his bag about three different times. (The rest of the time I continued to ask him if he had everything and he just told me he had everything without physically checking.) As soon as I was done feeding Poppie we headed downstairs so Ace could give both of the boys a Priesthood blessing. We tried to explain one last time that Daddy was going to be gone for a long time. Apparently our four year old was tired of hearing it and very exasperated told us, "I know!" Loves were given and Ace and I were off.

Ace was to report to a hotel by the airport by 6:00. We casually talked and avoided the elephant in the room/car as best we could. Unfortunately we headed towards the wrong hotel so when we finally got to the correct one it was 5:58 and there was little time to say goodbye. I think Ace preferred it that way, though. I don't think he wanted to see me fall apart which we both knew was going to happen. We gave quick hugs and he walked in to the hotel and started this adventure. I climbed into the driver's seat and proceeded to sob. Knowing this is the right thing to do doesn't make it any easier.

I made my way home and as soon as I walked in the door our four year old asked where Daddy was. I really could have done without that. I told him that I just took Daddy to be a soldier and our two year old popped out from his hiding place and corrected me, "He not a soldier. He in the army." I headed upstairs and grabbed one of Ace's sweatshirts so I could have his arms around me. It didn't really work. I felt some comfort and familiarity from having his sweatshirt on but I would have much preferred to have Ace's arms in the sweatshirt holding me and comforting me. Everything is always better and easier to handle in that place.

Remarkably the boys went to sleep relatively easily. They usually talk, play, and stall the best they can for about two hours every night before they finally give up and succumb to exhaustion. As soon as Poppie was fed and allowed me to put her to bed I went to sleep clutching a picture of Ace and me and trying to squeeze whatever strength and comfort I could from it. Sleeping in Ace's sweatshirt and clinging to a picture of him were the only things I could do to feel him with me. I would have much rather had the original with me.

This is going to be a difficult time for all of us. When our oldest woke up today he knocked on our door and asked, "Daddy can you come downstairs with me?" When I came out of the room he told me he thought Daddy would come home after he woke up today. I wasn't expecting that and I certainly could have done without it. When I went into our two year old's room he pouted his lips, looked at the ground and told me, "I want Daddy." I told him that I knew he did and that Daddy was being a soldier. Again, I was corrected. "No he not. He being army." My boys don't understand just how long their Daddy is going to be gone. Unfortunately I do. We'll just have to take it one day at a time and hopefully I can find a way to give enough love and attention to all of our children on my own.

Only six more days and I get to talk to Ace.