what's going on

It's been a rough week. Sunday was spent waiting with my phone in hand to hear from Ace. He never called. I don't know if his platoon got in trouble and lost the privilege or what happened. If someone messed up I hope they beat the tar out of him or her so it doesn't happen again. I know Ace didn't cause the problem. He definitely has his opinions but he knows to keep his mouth shut and do what he's told in basic training. I know he's not the one who is causing the privileges to be revoked. Hopefully this never happens again.

Being separated from my husband is difficult enough. Add to the equation that I struggle with depression and everything gets a whole lot more complicated, especially when I don't get to hear from him that one short time during the week. I really felt like I was doing okay. Actually, I was probably doing better than okay. I was handling Mac and Romeo pretty well. We had our setbacks but for the most part I was handling things. Sunday I just fell apart. Sunday night Poppie refused to sleep. She just couldn't settle down so we didn't get to bed until after midnight.

Monday I woke up and went through the motions. We made it till my sister-in-law came and picked Mac up to take him to school. It's usually not too difficult to do, but for some reason Poppie refused to be put down. If she was asleep and I set her down she would promptly wake up and start screaming. She didn't start whimpering. She went from asleep and relaxed to screaming almost immediately. If I put her down to help one of the boys with something, Poppie would scream. I had to hold her all day.

When the boys were finally down for the night I tried to feed Poppie and get her settled down. No such luck. She usually starts to eat about 9:00. She refused. I tried to feed her and she screamed. I rocked her back to sleep and tried a little later. She refused. She screamed. She'll usually eat for 15-20 minutes total. She maybe at a total of five minutes after trying several different times to feed her. I tried giving her some medicine to help with a tummy ache. She continued to scream if I tried to feed her. I knew she was hungry, but she refused to eat. She was dry. She wouldn't burp no matter how long I tried so I don't know that that was the problem.

Poppie doesn't like to sleep in her crib for whatever reason. We have her sleeping in her bouncy chair in our room. For some reason she'll sleep if she's more upright. After trying multiple times to put her in her bouncy chair after she fell asleep I finally gave up and went to sleep while holding her. I eventually was able to put her in the bed right next to me and she slept on her tummy. It was after midnight before I could finally turn off the lights and go to sleep.

I had been really hard on the boys yesterday because I was so exhausted. I hated taking my frustrations out on them so we had a talk this morning at breakfast. When you don't get enough sleep you're grumpy. Mommy was really grumpy yesterday and she's sorry. She didn't get much sleep last night either. Mommy doesn't want to be grumpy so she needs you to be good helpers and to be obedient so we can all have a good day. That worked for a little while. A very little while.

I was exhausted but again I was not permitted to put Poppie down. I tried the crib. I tried her bouncy seat. I tried her swing. I tried the couch. No luck. I could barely keep my eyes open this morning. I finally told the boys to go play upstairs in their rooms while I tried to sleep on the couch with Poppie. I was constantly woken up by fighting and tattling. At one point I woke up to the boys sword fighting in the kitchen with the broom.

I finally gave up at 11:30 and gave them lunch so I could get them in their rooms for quiet time. Mac refused to sleep. Again. He wasn't remotely quiet either. Romeo slept for maybe 30 minutes. Poppie refused to be put down and I was tired of holding her. This all meant that I couldn't get a nap, either. I called my mom crying and talked to her while Poppie screamed in my room and the boys told me repeatedly that she was crying.

I finally called a friend who came and picked Poppie up for a little while so I could sleep. I plopped Romeo down in front of a movie and told Mac to play games on the computer. I told them I needed to sleep and I needed them to be so good and not fight. It worked this time.

As soon as Poppie came back we started all over again. She had pretty much refused to eat all day. She fell asleep and when I tried to put her down she woke up and screamed. At this point the boys decided they had been good long enough.

Eventually at dinner time I called my sister to see if she could come down. I just needed her to hold Poppie so I could focus on the boys and get them to bed without listening to Poppie wailing in the background. That just frustrates me that much more and then I have even less patience with the boys. She tried to find a babysitter but I was able to have a neighbor come hold Poppie so I could turn my attention to the boys. With the boys down Poppie still refused to eat or be put down.

My sister mentioned that colic starts around 6 weeks. Ronnie is 6 1/2 weeks old. But I was really upset Sunday night and that is when this all started. I did start to feel better yesterday because I got a letter from Ace and was able to write back to him finally. I felt like my mood really picked up after I read his letter, but Poppie still refused to eat or be put down. Monday night I even tried to feed her some formula in case I had eaten something that she didn't like. Nothing helped. I don't know if Poppie is feeding off of my stress and emotions. Is that possible since I did start to feel better yesterday and Poppie only got worse? She wouldn't eat from a bottle either.

I honestly have no idea what's going on. I love holding my babies, but Poppie isn't my only child. I wish I could sit and hold her all day long but it's not possible. I have two other children who need and deserve my attention. If Poppie is responding to stress then we're kind of at an impasse because she's stressing me out. If this is colic I'm screwed. It kills me to listen to her scream but I don't have the physical or emotional ability to hold Poppie all day long. I'm just praying this was our last day like this.