our new reality

My boys had been doing so well. Yesterday Mac's aunt came to pick him up again for preschool. He knew she was coming. He knew he was riding to preschool with his cousin. He had his shoes on so he'd be ready when she came to pick him up. When she knocked on the door I happened to be feeding Poppie. I told Mac to have a good day at school and to have fun. I heard him unlock the door and his aunt say that they didn't want to be late. I told him again to have fun at school and my sister-in-law told me Mac was hiding behind the rocking chair. I heard her trying to coax him out and he just kept repeating that he wanted me to take him to school. He hadn't said anything like that until my sister-in-law showed up. I wasn't in any position to take him and we would have been late if I had tried to get everyone in the car.

Mac was prepared for school. He knew the driving arrangements. It just killed me to see him so upset that I wasn't taking him, especially when he had known that I wasn't going to take him. I think he's finally starting to realize that Daddy is gone and he's going to be gone for a while. His world has been turned upside down and he's trying to cling to the only parent he has left, even if it is me. As hard as it is on me to go through this I just ache watching my boys experience the loss of their father. I understand that Ace will be gone for a while. I know we will eventually be together as a family again. I know that this is so hard on our family and that it sucks but that this is what we are supposed to be doing for our family and that we will be in a much better position when it's all over. All the boys know is that Daddy is gone. Daddy has been gone for a few days now. We haven't talked to Daddy while he's been gone. They don't know when they will see their Daddy again. They don't understand that sometimes you have to do hard things in order to get blessings in the future.

As much as I miss Ace and I miss having my partner and best friend, my boys are missing their Daddy. I hate seeing them so sad and, at times, distraught. I hate listening to them sob and cry at night for their Daddy. I hate seeing my formerly very independent Mac be afraid to leave me. As hard as it was when he really didn't want anything to do with me, I'd almost prefer that at this point. It would mean he wasn't hurting. It would mean his world hadn't been torn apart. It would mean that everything was normal in his world.

Unfortunately for me I finally got a minute to put our clean laundry away. Do you know how depressing it is to hang up Ace's clean shirts when I know full well that they're not going to be touched for weeks, most likely months? There's a good chance that the next time Ace's shirts are taken off the hangers it will be because I'm packing them up so we can be reunited while Ace goes to school. Before he left Ace told me that I could pack up all his clothes in his dresser and in the closet. That's not happening. There's no way I could walk into my closet and not see his clothes hanging there. I hate that we're apart but seeing his clothes makes it seem like it's not permanent, maybe even that it's not real and this is all some sort of cruel prank. I know that sounds crazy. I know that I'll see him again, but packing up all his stuff just seems too final.

I'm doing better, but there are still things that get to me. It's usually the little things like putting away laundry. I'm always surprised by what it is that upsets me and how seemingly insignificant it is. That's the good news. The bad news is reality is starting to hit the boys. They're not doing better. I think it's just sinking in for them. They're hurting so much right now and I don't know how to explain this to them and I can't kiss this hurt away.