and so it begins

Yesterday was a rough day to say the least. After church Ace spent his time packing and making sure he had everything he needed for boot camp which isn't really much but he has a wife who stresses and made him check his list and then his bag about three different times. (The rest of the time I continued to ask him if he had everything and he just told me he had everything without physically checking.) As soon as I was done feeding Poppie we headed downstairs so Ace could give both of the boys a Priesthood blessing. We tried to explain one last time that Daddy was going to be gone for a long time. Apparently our four year old was tired of hearing it and very exasperated told us, "I know!" Loves were given and Ace and I were off.

Ace was to report to a hotel by the airport by 6:00. We casually talked and avoided the elephant in the room/car as best we could. Unfortunately we headed towards the wrong hotel so when we finally got to the correct one it was 5:58 and there was little time to say goodbye. I think Ace preferred it that way, though. I don't think he wanted to see me fall apart which we both knew was going to happen. We gave quick hugs and he walked in to the hotel and started this adventure. I climbed into the driver's seat and proceeded to sob. Knowing this is the right thing to do doesn't make it any easier.

I made my way home and as soon as I walked in the door our four year old asked where Daddy was. I really could have done without that. I told him that I just took Daddy to be a soldier and our two year old popped out from his hiding place and corrected me, "He not a soldier. He in the army." I headed upstairs and grabbed one of Ace's sweatshirts so I could have his arms around me. It didn't really work. I felt some comfort and familiarity from having his sweatshirt on but I would have much preferred to have Ace's arms in the sweatshirt holding me and comforting me. Everything is always better and easier to handle in that place.

Remarkably the boys went to sleep relatively easily. They usually talk, play, and stall the best they can for about two hours every night before they finally give up and succumb to exhaustion. As soon as Poppie was fed and allowed me to put her to bed I went to sleep clutching a picture of Ace and me and trying to squeeze whatever strength and comfort I could from it. Sleeping in Ace's sweatshirt and clinging to a picture of him were the only things I could do to feel him with me. I would have much rather had the original with me.

This is going to be a difficult time for all of us. When our oldest woke up today he knocked on our door and asked, "Daddy can you come downstairs with me?" When I came out of the room he told me he thought Daddy would come home after he woke up today. I wasn't expecting that and I certainly could have done without it. When I went into our two year old's room he pouted his lips, looked at the ground and told me, "I want Daddy." I told him that I knew he did and that Daddy was being a soldier. Again, I was corrected. "No he not. He being army." My boys don't understand just how long their Daddy is going to be gone. Unfortunately I do. We'll just have to take it one day at a time and hopefully I can find a way to give enough love and attention to all of our children on my own.

Only six more days and I get to talk to Ace.